Is the new Godzilla the worst movie you’ll see this year? Certainly not, but it is the most infuriating
and I would say, at the risk of sounding like a pretentious film snob douche,
Godzilla is everything that is currently wrong with Hollywood. This movie has single handily
stopped me from arguing with anyone who says, “movies are shit these days”, a statement
I used to disagree with but am slowly coming to embrace like a child realizing there is no Santa Claus.
Either Hollywood is part of some New World Order conspiracy that wants to use terrible movies
to drive anyone with half a brain to kill themselves as to weed out everyone but the easily duped;
or the film industry is so afraid of making a movie that doesn’t sell that they forgot how to make a
movie that doesn’t suck.
I should let you know there are spoiler’s below, I would say go see the movie then come back
and read the review but fuck that and fuck this movie.
If Godzilla made me realize anything it’s that Hollywood is full of a bunch of lying soulless
Satan worshipers. The preview for this movie is awesome. I want to see that movie.
Where was that movie? Where was the movie that stars Bryan Craynston trying to warn people
that the end of civilization is upon us right before Godzilla comes and fucks shit up for an hour?
If I had known I was going to see the kid from Kickass trying to get home to his wife,
with like maybe some monsters or something, I probably would have skipped it.
Let’s forget for a minute that Godzilla is barely in the movie, let’s forget
that watching a man in a rubber suit is still more interesting than the best CGI money can buy
fifty some odd years later – the worst thing about this rape-culture perpetuating
crowd pleaser is the ending. The ending is really when you realize someone’s got their
finger in your ass. No matter how many times you write a movie I will never believe that sailing
a nuclear bomb five minutes out to sea renders it harmless, especially if you insert
dialogue into the movie about how powerful this particular nuke is. Seriously? What the fuck
happened in the writer’s room? Did a couple Xeroxed pages of the last shitty Batman movie
fall into your shooting script? Or are you just that idiotic that you decide that having a
bomb expert, just diffuse the bomb, which is supposedly the main character’s job,
you already established he knows how to do it, having him diffuse the bomb is less plausible
than having the bomb go off twenty feet away and having everyone (including a
helicopter flying over head) be fine? The only way I would have walked away liking this film is
if the last fifteen minutes following the nuclear blast was the population of
San Francisco dying horribly from radiation poisoning, giving birth to deformed children,
and screaming in agony as their teeth and hair fall out and they vomit up blood for a
full fifteen minutes, which is what I did when I finished watching this movie, I vomited blood
for fifteen minutes.
Posted for the writers of Godzilla to reference.